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DR. BLOW JOB SHOW
Tue, 21 Sep 2010 15:32:17
It's official. The recession is over! That's according to some cluster of wonks in Washington, paid to crunch the numbers coming out of our crunched economy. What good news, and the perfect time to bring back the DR. BLOW JOB SHOW.
CHORUS:
Dr. Blow Job, Send me a job
I’m out of work and I feel like a slob
Please twist on your Magic Knob,
And Dr. Blow Job send me, please, please mend me,
Dr. Blow Job, send me a job.
DR. B J: You’re out of work and I’m not; and that’s why I can show up to host the one program that puts Americans back to work, one American at a time. Our first job seeker is Steryl Gorgon of Brooklyn, Iowa.
STERYL: Happy to be on the show, Dr. Blow Job.
DR. B J: Call me, B. J., Steryl. So, where we’re you pinked?
STERYL: At Midwest Great Pains Packing, Doctor. I was a standby safety chain saw operator at the lamb sluice.
DR. B J: That’s hard work—but it’s work. You stay right where you are Steryl…
STERYL: I’ve been doing that for months…
DR. B J: Our other job seeker is a first timer in the line. He’s Tweed Eastern from Samesex, Massachusetts. Who was at the other end of your downsizing hatchet, Tweed?
TWEED: Worldwide Whatever. I was halfway through my training as a generic brands special events manager when the bubble burst.
DR. B J: Let’s see if we can blow it up again.
MFX: THE HIRING THEME
DR. B J: The voice you’re about to hear, because you can’t see him behind the screen is a real employer with a real job opening.
SFX: AUDIENCE IS IMPRESSED
DR. B JJ: He’ll test you each with a job related scenario and your solution to the problem will determine which of you will walk away with a job, and which will return to a life of uncertainty, restlessness and free floating stress.
STERYL: Sounds like you’ve been there.
THE BOSS: Mr. Gorgon, you’re working for one of our communications divisions cutting a data pathway through an old growth redwood forest, and your blade accidently cuts through a nest of endangered songbirds. How would you alert the authorities?
STERYL: Well, sir, where I come from we have a saying, “Eat what you kill and have the EPA for desert.
SFX: APPRECIATIVE APPLAUSE
DR. B J: You come strong out of the box there, Steryl.
THE BOSS: Mr. Eastern, you’re working as a tour-person in one of our theme parks and the fun bus you’re on accidently runs over a trained pony at the petting zoo. How do you handle the shocked crowd of tourists and school children?
TWEED: I’d remind them, sir that it’s a zero sum life now. When that pony goes into our meat wagon, it means more hamburger for everybody.
SFX: APPRECIATIVE APPLAUSE
Dr. B J: Let’s eat! And now the moment of truth. Who gets hired and who stays mired? The moment of truth; and yet truth really doesn’t have anything to do with it. If it did, the vast majority of the unemployed would be back at work and the handful of lazy, system-playing, out of work slakers would fall of the radar, or hire themselves out to GOP rallies as negative role models.
THE BOSS: I’ve made my decision. I don’t want Steryl…
STEYRL: (SWEARS UNDER HIS BREATH)
THE BOSS: And I don’t want Tweed…
TWEED: (REACTS POORLY)
THE BOSS: I want them both! I want Ruthless and Truthless!
SFX: WILD APPLAUSE
DR. B J: I know good news when I hear it.
STERYL & TWEED: Thanks, Doc….etc.
CHORUS:
Dr. Blow Job, you got me a job
Now I can eat and I don’t have to rob.
You turned on your Magic Knob
They downsized and pinked me;
You made them rethink me,
Dr. Blow Job, thanks for the job!