Mon, 30 Nov 2010 01:00:00
David and I wrote and produced SLICK SHRIMP for Oz when the BP oil was still gushing, and people were still paying attention.
PETER: I’m here on the shore of the Gulf Coast for Radio Free Oz, talking with Charles Dunder, the latest member of Obama’s Gang Of Five sent down here to solve the oil spill crisis. You’ve just arrived here, haven’t you Charles.
DANDER: Yes, I replaced Professor Katz the astrophysicist when it was revealed that he was a virulent homophobe and a climate change denier.
PETER: So, what do you add to the team?
DANDER: I run the Petro Nutritional Institute back at Solid State University. I’m down here investigating a sustainable solution to the massive loss of fish and shellfish that’s going on as we speak.
PETER: Petro Nutrition? I’m not familiar with the field.
DANDER: It’s relatively new-it didn’t take off until we got the whole pertophilic nano-cloning process down.
PETER: Excuse me.
DANDER: Simply put, given the right starter genes, chain-ganged polymers and robust steroids, we can create a host of creatures that not only survive in oil-saturated water, but thrive on it.
PETER: Is that one of then—that thing you’re holding in your hand-it looks vaguely like a shrimp.
DANDER: We call it the Slick Shrimp. And yes, it thrives in oil polluted wetlands. You throw a million Slick Shrimp scat--that’s what they’re called when they come out of the test tube no bigger than a poppy seed—and a month later, they’re as big as Buster here and ready to be flavored and sent to market. Want to try one?
PETER: It’s a little chewey…
DANDER: That’s the polymer filling. How does it taste?
PETER: Tastes like pork.
DANDER: Yep, pork flavored slick shrimp-one of my favorites. Let me have it back.
DANDER; See, I just dip it in the degreaser, and watch it spring back to life. Rub a little of this on it, and, now give it a try.
PETER: Hmmmm, now that tastes like jumbo bayou scampi-the real thing.
DANDER: They’re all the real thing. Should go over real good with the green crowd-you can re-eat them up to a dozen times before the steroid skeleton breaks down and they turn to mush.
PETER: It’s a reasonable short-term solution; but I can’t wait for the real shrimp to return.
DANDER: Return?! Pete, that hole on the ocean floor is spewing 200000 gallons of oil a day. Your great grandchildren will be waiting for the shrimp to return. Now, let’s get real. Here's one of the Oil Happy Catfish I’m developing. Just put a match to it and poof! it's sautéed and ready to serve.
PETER: This is Peter Bergman at the Gulf for Radio Free Oz and I wanna go home.